Bored senseless

“Short Pump is too boring.”

Ever heard anyone say that?

Unless “b-o-r-i-n-g” is a new way to spell “congested,” I never had.

That is, until this week, when an email from Movoto (a website that exists) arrived in my inbox, alerting me to the stark reality that Short Pump is, in fact, the second most boring place in all of Virginia. Well, technically it tied for second with another bastion of boredom – Loudoun County’s South Riding, whose poor residents suffer through sad lives that involve sitting around all day counting how many racehorses and Aston Martins they own.

I assume the website – or at least the folks who run it – arrived at the rankings following a thoroughly scientific process that involved placing the names of several places in Virginia that start with the letter “S” into a hat and watching as a chimpanzee carefully pulled them out one at a time with his feet.

I quickly tried to think of the one place in this state that could possibly be more boring than Short Pump, and 872 immediately came to mind. (And here I thought I knew a little something about Virginia.)

Emporia? A rest stop town on I-95 known mostly because its native sons Elliott and Hermie Sadler seemingly own every convenience store and restaurant in sight?

The entire western corner of the state southwest of Roanoke? Has anyone ever actually been there or returned from there?

The Great Dismal Swamp, because, well, it sort of screams “not thrilling” right there in its name.

Petersburg? Because, well…

No, no, no and no. The most boring place in Virginia, according to Movoto’s researchers, is Danville.

Ok. I’ve been to Danville once. I have no cause to argue against this selection.

But Short Pump, tied for second? Seriously?

The definition of “boring” is:

• The act of process of making or enlarging a hole; or
• The hole made in this way.

Wait, that’s the noun. The adjective is defined as:

• Dull; repetitious; uninteresting.

Is that how you’d describe Short Pump? Sure, there is retail repetition in the region, but I’m not sure I’d call it uninteresting. Pricey, perhaps.

Dull? Only if a park, an ice skating rink, a miniature train circling through an outdoor shopping mall that attracts visitors from other states, a bunch of high-end restaurants, a bowling alley, a movie theater, a few wine bars and some athletic fields, among other things, are considered “dull” these days.

Upon deeper investigation, I was disappointed to learn that the site’s actual methodology did not involve scrap-filled headwear or primates.

Somehow, Short Pump achieved its ranking by virtue of allegedly having among the FEWEST bars, live music venues or dining establishments in the state per capita. This is obviously the first and last time anyone has ever complained that there are not enough restaurants in Short Pump.

Not enough bars? There are at least six in West Broad Village alone.

Ah-ha. Herein lies the problem with number-crunching by computer: West Broad Village technically has a Glen Allen mailing address, for reasons known only to the U.S. Postal Service. (Don’t get me started.) It obviously wasn’t even included in the “Short Pump” defined by this study. For shame, Movoto, for shame.

Of course, the reason that internet sites put together ridiculous lists like this is so that schleps like yours truly will write about them, thereby helping to provide some free press for said sites so that people will visit them – just as soon as they’re done completing other important tasks, like taking Facebook quizzes to learn which Italian city they should live in or which character from Downton Abbey they are. So, I guess you win, Movoto.

Although truth be told, in the Henrico Citizen’s upcoming list of the Ten Worst Real Estate Websites No One’s Ever Heard Of That Start With the Letter M, you guys finished tied for second.

Better luck next time.

Email Citizen Editor Tom Lappas at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
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Henrico Business Bulletin Board

June 2017
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On the Air Radio Players will present “You Heard It Here First” June 13-14 from 7:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. at The Cultural Arts Center at Glen Allen, 2880 Mountain Rd. This old-time radio show features live music and sound effects. The performance will once again feature the winners from the seventh annual radio scriptwriting competition. Admission is free and open to the public; no reservations required. For details, call 501-5138 or visit http://www.otarp.com. Full text

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