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A time to give thanks – no joke

There is no good way to get the news that your daughter has died.

But looking back, I have to say I learned about Lanie’s accident in the best possible way.

I went to bed that Sunday evening around 10 p.m., and after trying unsuccessfully for an hour to drop off, I moved to the sunroom sofa to read. Although I can usually attribute trouble sleeping to late-afternoon caffeine, I was puzzled because I’d had none.

At 1:30 a.m. – still sleepless – I heard my oldest daughter, Leah, pull into the driveway. She told me there was an emergency and she and her boyfriend needed to come in. After leading me to the kitchen, Leah hugged me and broke down crying, delivering the news between sobs.

Of course, there would be no sleep the rest of that night or day. Looking back, I am convinced that deep down I must have felt Lanie’s death at 10:15 p.m. – that I somehow sensed our physical connection, at least, had been severed.

It wasn’t until much later that I was able to appreciate how lucky I was to hear this news from Lanie’s sister, and to have it delivered with a loving embrace. Many parents get this kind of horrendous news in a phone call, or from strangers.

Three months later, I am dreading the approach of the holidays – the worst time of year for anyone who has lost a loved one. And since Lanie was our “Christmas freak” (doesn’t every family have one?) and loved everything about the holiday, her absence will be felt extra hard.
Lanie Kruszewski

Thanksgiving – the event that one newly-bereaved parent called “a joke of a holiday” – will be equally difficult, considering that Lanie and I spent last Thanksgiving together for five wonderful days, visiting her sister Jackie in New York City and touring some of Lanie’s favorite “foodie” destinations.

Just the same, I am trying mightily to catalogue things we can be thankful for during this, our first holiday season without Lanie. And even as we flounder about in the emotional wreckage left by her death, I have to say there is no lack of goodness to be found.

As Leah pointed out early in the week after Lanie’s death, the accident could have been so much worse. Lanie could have lingered on life support for weeks, leaving us to make wrenching decisions. And we all know Lanie would hate that.

Instead, as far as we know, Lanie’s death was mercifully quick. She never saw it coming, and she didn’t suffer. For that, we can be grateful.

Within hours of Lanie’s death, friends, family members, members of the community, and even complete strangers came forward to embrace and support us.

Our neighbors brought coffee and breakfast for my visiting brothers and their families, and housed them when space got tight. Another as-yet-unidentified neighbor mowed my lawn. The bicycling community surrounded us with care and concern, placing a “ghost bike” near the scene of Lanie’s accident and organizing a memorial moonlight bike ride to celebrate her life. Pescados on Oregon Hill provided water and sports drinks for the cyclists.

The staff of Osaka Sushi and Steak (Lanie’s workplace) not only posted a $1,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of the then-unknown driver who hit her, but also collected a substantial sum for charity in her name. Maggie L. Walker Governor’s School, Lanie’s alma mater, provided its 500-seat auditorium for the memorial service – which overflowed nevertheless.

Lanie’s sisters worked with her basketball teammates, some talented musicians, and my friend Jim Cavanaugh to coordinate a service so beautiful that more than one person left it feeling cheated that they had not known Lanie.

My co-workers Tom Lappas and Diann Ducharme wrote beautiful tributes to Lanie.

Tom and others saw to it that I got plenty of my favorite form of therapy, attending almost every Flying Squirrels game in August and getting to shag flies at two VIP batting practices. My friend Jean Masters did the legwork for me when I couldn’t handle tasks such as pricing cemetery plots or getting stationery printed for thank-you notes.

Brandon Bruce of Groovin Gourmets donated and delivered a meal for eight, salvaging a family birthday party that fell at a time we did not feel like celebrating. Maureen Egan of Real Richmond has promised a food tour in Lanie’s honor for her March birthday, and Capt. Mike Ostrander of Discover the James has promised to name the first eagle fledgling after Lanie in June.

Friends and neighbors have taken pains to write at the one- and two-month mark, knowing that sometimes grief hits hardest after everyone else goes back to their routines. Friends old and new still send messages at random times telling me they are thinking of me and that they are ready with a listening ear if I need one. A JMU student I have never met recently wrote to say that the campaign to improve cyclist safety has reached all the way to Harrisonburg – and to suggest that Lanie’s death may have already saved other lives.

The list of kindnesses goes on, and on, and on.

In no way do I mean to downplay the pain and devastation this tragedy has wrought upon our family, or to deny that there are times I despair of surviving another day in the void Lanie left – or another night of accident images playing non-stop through my head. Her death can never be regarded as anything other than a horrible waste of a life, and any good that may result can only make it slightly less of a waste.

But I have been in this crazy cycle of grief long enough to know now that my worst nights are invariably followed by better days, new encounters, new kindnesses and new blessings.

Like any parent, I would have given anything for the choice to take Lanie’s place on that bike, and to allow her to live her life to its natural end.

I didn’t get that choice. But there are other equally unchosen paths that I would have taken right to the place I am now.

If someone had asked me long ago whether I would choose to be Lanie’s mom – knowing she would only live 24 years, and that I would have to go through this terrible, wrenching pain – my answer would be, “Hell, yes.”

And if I’d been given the choice to have Lanie for 24 years, or to have someone else for a lifetime, I would have chosen Lanie in a heartbeat.

And for the gift of those years, I can’t help but be thankful.
Community

Author, child abuse survivor to speak at Henrico event

To help celebrate twenty years of service to advocating for abused and neglected children in Henrico County, Henrico Court Appointed Special Advocates, Inc. (CASA) will host an evening with bestselling author K.L. Randis on Tuesday, Aug. 26, from 5:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. at Belmont Recreation Center in Lakeside.

Randis is best known for her bestselling novel, Spilled Milk, which tells her painful – but ultimately triumphant – personal story of abuse and of child abuse prevention. The book is her first novel.

The event is free to the public, but seating is limited Reservations may be made by e-mailing .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Belmon Recreation Center is located at 1600 Hilliard Road. > Read more.

Philippines ambassador to the US visits Filipino Festival in Henrico


The Ambassador of the Philippines to the United States Jose L. Cuisia, Jr. attended the Ninth Annual Filipino Festival at Our Lady of Lourdes Church earlier this month. Cuisia (pictured above with festival performers) was welcomed by County Manager John Vithoulkas and Brookland District Supervisor Dick Glover (below) at the church, which is located in Lakeside.

While enjoying some of the cultural performances at the festival, the ambassador and his wife had a private lunch with Vithoulkas, Glover, Eldon Burton (an outreach representative from U.S. Senator Mark R. Warner’s Office) and Father James Begley, the pastor of OLL. > Read more.

Dragon boats invade the James

Hundreds of spectators filled the banks of the James River to watch two dozen teams of competitors in the Walgreen’s Richmond International Dragon Boat Festival at Rocketts Landing Aug. 2. The event included a number of races, as well as several cultural performances. The sport is billed as the fastest growing water sport in the world.(Photo by Roger Walk for the Henrico Citizen) > Read more.

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Entertainment

‘Planes’ sequel crashes

‘Fire and Rescue’ proves too predictable, boring

Planes: Fire and Rescue opens with a dedication to the hero firefighters of the world. It’s an admirable notion, and it makes sense, given that this is a film about planes that fight fires.

But here it might be a little out of place, as Planes: Fire and Rescue has a few things on its mind besides supporting the men and women who routinely throw themselves into burning buildings.

Like money. Lots and lots of money – into the 11-figures-and-counting range. In case you weren’t aware, 2006’s Cars was the biggest moneymaker Disney had in decades – not because of how much green the film printed at the box office, but because a combination of toys, games and snack foods stamped with the Cars seal of approval routinely pulls in tens of billions of dollars per year. > Read more.

Weekend Top 10


This weekend in Henrico, you can learn about fall herbs or mad science. Enjoy some laughs from West End Comedy or Three-Penny Theatre’s production of “The Rivah Home Companion.” For music lovers, Jennifer Nettles is in concert tonight and the fifth annual GWAR-B-Q takes place tomorrow at Hadad’s Lake. For all our top picks this weekend, click here! > Read more.

Restaurant watch

Find out how your favorite dining establishments fared during their most recent inspections by the Virginia Department of Health. > Read more.

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Calendar

The following libraries will host Teen Open Mic Nights: Dumbarton – Aug. 13; Twin Hickory – Aug. 19; and Fairfield – Aug. 21. Come perform for a live audience and… Full text

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